I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
