just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
