I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
