I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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