it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
