I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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