Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
