I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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