I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
