Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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