i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
