My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
