I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Randomize
