I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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