I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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