Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
