Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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