i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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