I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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