Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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