He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
