Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize