do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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