i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
