we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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