The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
