I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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