Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
