Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
