just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
