Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
