I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
