I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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