Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
