Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
