Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize