So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
