I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
