he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
