Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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