5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
