It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
