Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
