I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
