Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
