he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
