I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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