It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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