and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm like, not good at living.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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