Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize