He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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