hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
