I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
