you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
