I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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