she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
