Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
